I feel ugly.

I think too much & give too much & need to stop worrying & at the same time worry more. Or at least sort out my priorities. I get so distracted so easily. In other news, I can't skip rocks to save my life.

I'm happy.

what a stupid girl I am.

I get sick
mostly because I know
he's already gone
even though he hasn't
arrived.

"I think you may be my other half."

falling, falling, falling
x/o.

"He had me on pins & needles all the time & did eventually stick something in my crystal head that made me change my plans in life."

come with me.

do I look older?

Happy Birthday to Me

seal this envelope with a heart that's been
beaten black
beaten blue
beaten all over again
don't leave out a single thing
send it off with wings
an anecdote to ease the pain that you feel
every time that you smile at the mirror

i won't need anymore memories
for the next 50 years i could still write you love songs
i wont need anymore photographs
to remember the color of the clothes you wore that night

hopefully this won't sound as bad
as i'm sure that it is
all results will be lifeless and lead
to an excuse
to never try again, to never try at all
staring up at the ground
because oh how you we tried
and oh how you lied
but how could that be true

i won't need anymore memories
for the next 50 years i could still write you love songs
i won't need anymore photographs
to remember the color that your eyes changed with the color of your hair
my heart is gone
my heart is gray
. . .

I think I am going to pull a disappearing act.
I have little faith in people &
am sick of disappointment.

The weight of the world is love. Under the burden of solitude, under the burden of dissatisfaction.

— Allen Ginsberg

ask me I won't say no, how could I?

http://www.formspring.me/johnadreams

I can't. I'm sorry.

hanging on to hate is exhausting;

taking scalding hot baths is one of my favorite things to do.

I really am happy. & I wish you could be, too. Even if you do say terrible things about me.

just stop.

I think my imagination keeps me alive.

you really got a hold on me

this is currently how I feel. I can't help it!

I am so tired. goodnight.
xo

revolution is the opium of the intellectuals.

starting the application process for school. again! I am going to be in so much debt. oh well! bye, new jersey, I will miss you occasionally, but the west coast is calling my name.

Rest In Peace, Dad

I really can't believe it's been two years. I miss you.

Je t'aime plus qu'hier moins que demain. . .

I'm in Love with Illusions so Saw Me in Half.

it is really quite strange to think about people you once thought you loved
only to realize they were complete strangers.

I love when people wash their hands of me.
it means I've dirtied them in the first place.
take your poetry & lies & faithless looks to someone else's bedside.
I'm rewriting our memories with another man,
clean slates & fresh sage taste earthy & burn just right.
lost & found & lost & found &
I'm just fine.

I'm wonderful.
xo

used to be

Rest in Peace.

I've developed a plan & I'm sticking to it no matter what. Looking forward to the future is getting me through the present.

<3

I have never been so disrespected in my life. Cutting all ties for good. This will have to be the goodbye we never had.

I feel like life is a big party & I am in the spare bedroom reading a book.

Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.

The Feeling of Being in Motion Again

There's Gotta Be Some Way

this world is being ripped to shreds & we are all content to sit back & watch. I'm not going to allow myself to lose hope in people, in myself.

I know what I want to do. I just don't know where I want to do it. I feel like going back to New York would be detrimental to my sanity, though moving across the country, not knowing a soul, may also be detrimental. But I mean, I do a lot of things that are harmful to my existence, so why should moving somewhere be any different than those numerous other examples?

anyway, I am excited to start playing music.

I walked out of the lobby and out of the building and I stood on the sidewalk. I could still hear him. "Joe! Joe! Where are you, Joe!"
Joe wasn't coming. it didn't pay to trust another human being.
Humans didn't have it, whatever it took.

I need to get out of here.

It drove me crazy, the way she smiled at strangers and I could never be a stranger.

I'm Glad I Spent it with You...

Where Is My Mind?

this is the cutest thing ever.

anyway,
why is the only school I want to go to in California?
Will someone move with me & never leave my side?
that would make this decision easier.

Saint Valentine's Day & Ugly Reminders

if you were here I'd be home now.

“I’ve fallen in love. I’m an ordinary woman. I didn’t think such violent things could happen to ordinary people.”

I need to stop reading quotes from old films.

“I was born when she kissed me. I died when she left me. I lived a few weeks while she loved me.”

oh Megan !

why are you always getting yourself into trouble?

"Ev'rybody knows
That Baby's got new clothes
But lately I see her ribbons and her bows
Have fallen from her curls."

I feel as if "people" are not really people anymore. Everyone markets themselves like a brand. We advertise ourselves on the internet like it matters. Like the newest photo of myself matters. There it is. That is what I wake up looking like, that is what I walk around looking like, that is what I go to sleep looking like. I get tired looking at myself, yet I still took this photo with my computer to show everyone what I look like to-day. Like this day my face looks different. But it doesn't. It is the same as yesterday & will be the same as tomorrow.

I want to make my mind beautiful again. I want to forget wanting to be told I'm pretty. Pretty isn't worth much. At some point I just gave up on things I liked to fill my time with. I stopped reading, exploring music, collaging, taking photos. I haven't put a single record on my turntable in over a year. When did I lose myself to all this hype?

Sleep on the Floor, Dream About Me

I am feeling this horrible sense of anxiety. I feel as if I'm jumping out of my skin as I sit in this room. I think I want so badly to start DOING something & stop talking about it. But all of these somethings require money. Money to move, money to go to school, money to live somewhere, money to feed myself, money money money. It's so sad that this is the only obstacle stopping me from jumping in my car & driving across the country. I wish I weren't such a worrier. I always have been, though. I'm going to make these changes happen sooner than I was planning on. I've delayed myself enough with worries & insecurities & anxieties. I'm ready to take on a little risk.

Walk in the Park

You go for a walk in the park 'cause you don't need anything
Your hand that you sometimes hold doesn't do anything
The face that you see in the door isn't standing there anymore

In a matter of time, it would slip from my mind
In and out of my life, you would slip from my mind
In a matter of time

The face that you saw in the door isn't looking at you anymore
The name that you call in its place isn't waiting for your embrace
The world that you love to behold cannot hold you anymore

In a matter of time it, would slip from my mind
In and out of my life, you would slip from my mind
In a matter of time

More, you want more
More, you want more
More, you want more, you tell me
More, only time can run me
More, you want more, you tell me
More, only time can run me
More, you want more you tell me
More, only time can run me
More, you want more, you tell me
More, only time can run me
More, you want more, you tell me
More, only time can run me
More, you want more, you tell me

park that car
drop that phone
sleep on the floor
dream about me.

Clementine: Joely? What if you stay this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a goodbye at least, let's pretend we had one... Goodbye, Joel.
Joel: ...I love you...
Clementine: ...Meet me in Montauk...

today I am upset.

I have always wanted to write songs, to share something beautiful with others. I think I will begin this endeavor for real this time, not just talk about it like an unattainable dream. So I am saving up for an autoharp & writing down things that could possibly be made into something lovely & maybe one day I can play them for you.