Clementine: Joely? What if you stay this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a goodbye at least, let's pretend we had one... Goodbye, Joel.
Joel: ...I love you...
Clementine: ...Meet me in Montauk...

today I am upset.

I have always wanted to write songs, to share something beautiful with others. I think I will begin this endeavor for real this time, not just talk about it like an unattainable dream. So I am saving up for an autoharp & writing down things that could possibly be made into something lovely & maybe one day I can play them for you.

Rest In Peace

"We're freaks, that's all. Those two bastards got us nice and early and made us into freaks with freakish standards, that's all. We're the tattooed lady, and we're never going to have a minute's peace, the rest of our lives, until everybody else is tattooed, too."
- J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

Taking steps towards making myself happy, though I'm feeling a bit like Richie Tenenbaum lately. I've realized we were both two people who shouldn't be in relationships in a relationship together. Who cares if I am a little dramatic about things? I live every emotion to its capacity!

Anyway, still hopeful for the future, for FIDM, for getting into shape & starting yoga again, for my friends to come home, for summer sunshine. Everything is looking up.

apparently I do not have the right to do what I am doing to my mother. I am not quite sure what I am doing but I'm getting by the best I can. No, I do not want to talk about anything that has happened. No, I do not want to talk at all. No, I am not hungry. No, I will not force food down my throat just to appease you.

I find no need to talk about how wonderful I was feeling about myself & my ambitious endeavors just a few days ago, only to have my entire perception of someone I thought I loved & who loved me be flipped upside down. I am sorry I cannot pretend I am perfectly fine knowing that this has not affected him in the least bit. That I have not affected him in the least bit. I refuse to bottle up my emotions. Yes, I am doing better. But if I want to be alone, I want to be alone.

Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want

I hope my hair grows back overnight.

Laughing it Off

cutting the ties

I cut my hair off. I no longer have long, beautiful dark brown locks. I look average & boring. oh well. Getting you hair cut after a break up is probably a bad idea. But I don't want anyone to have a crush on me anyway.

Wallflower, wallflower
Won't you dance with me?
I'm sad and lonely too.
Wallflower, wallflower
Won't you dance with me?
I'm fallin' in love with you.
Just like you I'm wondrin' what I'm doin' here.
Just like you I'm wondrin' what's goin' on.
Wallflower, wallflower
Won't you dance with me?
The night will soon be gone.
I have seen you standing in the smoky haze
And I know that you're gonna be mine one of these days, Mine alone. Wallflower, wallflower
Take a chance on me. Please let me ride you home.

Oh Bob, You Know Me Too Well

I feel like I need to constantly be talking to someone or writing in this or else I start crying.

Don't Think Twice, It's Alright.

Take It Easy (Love Nothing)

so I've put my plans to go to FIDM on hold for now. I'm just not in the right state of mind to make that huge transition. I thought I would be, even if this did happen, but it seems I'm not. So life goes back to the way it was before. Like nothing happened.

What to do, what to do...

at this point I cannot see myself going anywhere near California without getting sick to my stomach by the thought of being anywhere near that boy. I could not deal with seeing him in any capacity & I think it may be unhealthy for me to move out there right now. At least I learned/reinforced a lot of things from this horrid relationship. Things like in a relationship trust is earned, not automatically given. I settled on this relationship, because I thought he was a good person & would treat me right & we had fun together. I don't really feel as if I lost a boyfriend, more of a best friend. Which is why I think I'm so hurt by all his lies, because best friends don't lie to each other. He used me for companionship when he had no one else. The fact that he keeps saying he "tried" to love me, like I am some monster who is unworthy of love, is the most painful thing to hear. Just the other night he was talking to me about honesty and how important it is. I think that is pretty ironic. I would have appreciated honesty as opposed to the bullshit he fed me for months. I don't deserve to be treated like that. No one deserves to be treated like that. I keep crying whenever I think about it & I can't stop. I know this whole situation doesn't deserve any more of my time or tears but I can't stop thinking about it. He is the best liar I've ever met. I just need to move on from this mess. It's just hard with no closure.

Lying Boyfriends.

So I'm sure you are all wondering what the hell happened, right? Basically it goes like this. . .

I dated Cory Madsen a couple of months after he moved to New York City.
He asked me to be his girlfriend & I said yes. He jumped head first into the relationship, telling me he loved me after only a couple of weeks, if not days. Told his mother he could see himself marrying me, et cetera. Did I think that was odd? Yes. Was I also flattered in a way? Yes. Little did I know, he weaved so many lies that he started to forget them, when I started noticing tears in the fabric & questioning them, he got angry & upset with me, making me feel as if I was just being paranoid or jealous. Early in our relationship Cory would receive messages & texts & IM's from a girl he told me was a friend who was very dependent on him from back home. The entire situation made me uncomfortable & I made it clear that I didn't want him talking to her because I felt like she was overstepping her boundaries on our relationship. I assumed Cory wanted the same thing because every time it happened he acted annoyed with the messages, etc. Then in December his friends came to visit him. I asked one of them what the deal was with this girl & she informed me that he had started dating her WHEN SHE WAS 15/16. He will be 26 this year. That is a 9 year age difference. So later that night I confronted him about it & he absolutely denied the fact that they dated and told me she was just a very close friend due to a shared issue & he looked at her as a little sister. He said on numerous occasions that he wasn't a pedophile & if he was to date someone underage, it definitely wouldn't be her. So I tried to believe him, but I still felt uncomfortable with the amount of texts & phone calls. Then all of a sudden he decides to move back to L.A. & says he wants me to come, but only if I want to. I start looking into schools to see if any interest me, found one I liked, & started the process of enrollment. All with the promise (by him) that we would move in together. Then things began to get weird between us. He barely talked to me, telling me my jealously was really weighing on our relationship & that I needed to be happy on my own before we could be together. Which I thought was a reasonable request, but little did I know it was only a request to get the guilt of hundreds of lies off of his back. So now I am left with unanswered questions & a feeling of disgust for someone I thought I loved, when in reality I loved a gigantic lie he manufactured.

I raise my glass to Cory Madsen, King of the Con-Artists!

Making New Friends Over Milkshakes

I caved. Bought a pack of cigarettes. I'm allowed to have one vice, right?

Today I hung out with Jimmie. We ran into his friend who accompanied us to the diner. Technically I am the only one who got a milkshake, but a new friend was made nonetheless. It is nice to get insight from different people & I am feeling a lot better about everything, because we talked about everything that was bothering me.

also, if you lie, you'll always get caught.

Oh Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying

I've had enough broken hearts to realize it is not the end of the world. That being said, it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I have a lot of things to figure out & a short amount of time to figure them out in. If I don't get in to FIDM for the Spring 2010 semester, which starts April 8th, then I have to wait until July for the Summer semester. I want to get out of here as soon as possible. Working one to two days a week & having no friends to keep my mind occupied makes this place unbearable. I just want to get my life started. I still need to write my essays to complete my project for my application, but other than that everything is pretty much taken care of. I am excited to move, very nervous, but excited. I am anxiously awaiting the phone call from my adviser, hopefully letting me know if I can start school in April.

I'm finally doing things for myself.
I'm not worried about what may or may not happen.
All I can worry about is taking care of myself.